As it fades away...

A long time ago, a voice in my head spoke about passion, flame, fervor and vigor. It spoke of pretty dreams and huge goals. It told me what I want from life and what life meant to me. I was lazy, but the voice was loud. Before long, I was treading a path, similar to what the voice said, but always deviating, slightly at each step, but certainly. With each step, the voice adapted. It took in new circumstances, changed the details, but never the dreams.

The reality isn't as pretty as a voice in my head. It tried to steer me away. Faced with a head gust, I dug on, trying to find the path, trying to hear the voice in the howling wind. The once loud voice started growing faint.  The wind howled louder, laughing at me. It turned to a storm and then a blizzard, but I dug on and on. In search of that path, the one the voice led me to. But with the voice growing fainter, the wind howling louder, the path seeming longer, I stopped to look.

The voice was still there, fainter than ever, but as determined as always.  The path it leads was rougher than ever. I wanted to grab onto the faint voice and dig on, like I did before. But a second voice asked me if I really wanted to go that way. The path is rough, the voice faint. Why chase that? Why go there? What is wrong with here and now?

Standing at this fork, hearing a voice fade away, I wonder what I should do. The beckoning voice is what my heart wanted to follow, but the second one seems too easy and loud to ignore. I pluck my courage and lift my foot to follow the little voice still ringing in my head. But I can still feel it fade away and can't help wondering how long I will be able to put this up before giving in to the second loud voice...

I wonder why..

Sometimes, it just does not work out. Try as hard as I may, I end up holding onto nothing. The inevitable last time, the final shutting of the door. It leaves me heart broken, shattered and helpless. I cry, eat a lot (and grow super fat), watch random series, shut myself in for days and mess up everything professionally. One fine day, I realize enough is enough. I gather my broken shards and try to get back my footing. Slowly, but steadily, I am back. Not to who I was before it all happened, but to a new me, incorporating all the new experiences. Time passes by... Emotions fade... All that is left is a  memory of what was.

I am in a different place, with a different person. He has moved on, and has found his happiness too. Why then do I still look back at what has been with a sense of regret. Why do I still think of ifs and could haves. I can still understand that feeling. It doesn't hinder me in any way. It is just a recollection of the fondness we once shared.

What I cannot justify is this strong urge to message him. This lingering feeling, which I want to clear up. It is sometimes to just ask "Why?" again. Or just to tell him "I am fine now". Sometimes, I want to scream at him, "How could you do this?". Then again, I just want to say "I really hope you are happy". Sometimes, I want to be able to talk to him like a good friend. Sometimes, I just want to know he is there at the other end of the line, doing whatever he is doing. Sometimes, I feel we need to talk, we need to clear up all the loose ends. We need to get a closure on what happened.

It changes nothing. More often than not, it just flares up old wounds. I am thinking about him, but he might not be thinking about me. I might be interrupting him. I might ruin one of his pleasant days. I might spoil an important exam of his. I do not know what he is doing or in which state he is in. I still want to tell him how I feel about something that happened years ago! Why does this urge not leave me? I suppress it for most part. But I don't know why, when I see him green on my google chat list, I want to ping. I want to say "Can I ask you a question?". This doesn't help either of us. But I still feel strongly about it. And I wonder why....

I can but I choose not to

Master your feelings. Don't let your feelings run wild. Be at peace with anything and everything. This is a nice philosophy, something I try to follow for a major part of my time [all you Yoda fans, yes, I know, "Do or do not, there is no try"].

This works fairly well for everyday ups and downs. Small issues with people around me. It is too hot, the child in the bus is wailing too loud, someone shoved past me in a hurry, a car splashed dirt on me, someone said mean things to me, my prof kept me waiting for an hour, my roommate wants me to clean, the list can go on. I don't let all these get to me. I just smile and let these go by. If I can help, I do, else I just ignore.

This also works well for circumstances. I want something, but I can't have it. Funny enough, the first thing that comes to my mind is Bevande denying me chocolate shake because they are out of ice-cream (always!). Life isn't fair. I need to deal with it. No point brooding over things I can't change. Let go, find something new, find peace and happiness within. Philosophy to the rescue!

There is a third scenario where I was mightily confused. I finally found my answer. I am not perfect. Nobody is. I sometimes make mistakes and hurt people around me, mostly unintentionally, but occasionally, when my anger gets the better of me (I need more mastery of my feelings). I can apologize (profusely), but I cannot undo what I have done, do what may. Following my philosophy, I can just ignore it and remain happy. But I feel sad and guilty. I want to right things, but I cannot, and thus feel helpless. It is not because I haven't mastered my feelings well enough. Sadness and guilt are not impulsive, they do not take you over like anger. Then why do I remain sad and guilty? It is to remember what I have done. It needs to remain in my memory, more than a day-to-day event, so I do not repeat it again. It is a lesson learnt that needs time to engrave itself into my mind. I am afraid that if I ignore it today and remain happy, the same circumstances might make me commit the same mistake again.

I know what you might say. Learn the lesson, let go of your guilt/sadness. We have learnt lesson after lesson, chapter after chapter since childhood. I barely remember what I learnt in compilers class 2 days ago. But I still remember what I did in my 9th standard to hurt a friend, and I'm pretty sure I will never do that again. Ever. Guilt might be a bad feeling at the moment, but it teaches me lessons I will never forget. I believe the stake of hurting a person is high, and I do not want to repeat the same mistake twice. I am guilty, not because I am incapable of letting it go, but because I choose to be so.

The boy who cried "Wolf"

Another legendary story -

As I couldn't exactly remember the story, apart from the fact that he cries "wolf!" when there is no wolf so many times that when there finally is a wolf, no one comes to his aid, I decided to look up atleast some version of the story, because, I think there is more to learn from that story than just "Nobody believes a liar...even when he is telling the truth!"

I found the story here.

Now, its a nice story, lesson learnt, "do not lie".

Agreed, the boy lied about an unseen wolf. But, that is all he can do even if he really does see a wolf. So, dear villagers, you may have to put a few extra trips up the mountain, but isn't it better to be careful? Shouldn't you either reassign the task of taking care of the sheep to someone else? Or if that isn't possible (as can be the case in most other similar situations), shouldn't you actually make the extra trips up the mountain? Better be careful, than cry over spilt milk, right?

So I say, when the stakes are high, don't assume. Do what needs to be done, taking the worst possible situation into consideration. Learn the lesson from the villagers who lost their sheep (assuming they did :D). Don't get into a false sense of security, assuming its only a lie.

I learnt it at the cost of a major part of my life. Let it not happen to you.

Unusable? or Antique?

A cup once broken cannot be mended. True. Try what may, you can never get back the original cup. Attach however you please, it will be unfit for further use (as a cup).

But, an attached cup has a lot of significance.

For one, it is important enough for someone to collect the shattered pieces and attach them.

It is the existence of the cup that is given a higher priority, not for its use (as it is rendered unusable).

Its value as an object increases manifold.

And more oft than not, it gets shifted from the kitchen cupboard to the showcase [:)] (though, that is not to showcase the importance of the cup, but the handiwork of your glue).

So, a broken and attached cup should not be discarded as useless. Someone actually put it back together. It means something to someone. That must be respected, shouldn't it?

Which One is It?

I have always wondered -

Everyone heard the legendary tale of the "never giving up spider" which tried and tried and tried till it succeeded in making a web of some kind, which taught everyone exactly what it did - try, try and try till you succeed. So, we should never give up, and keep trying, right?

Then again, people who, after having lost fair and square, get up and continue to fight are called "sore losers" who cannot accept defeat honorably. So, we should honorably accept defeat, right?

Now, what should one do? If one fell, should they just accept defeat (honorably) and move on? Or should one try again (like the spider)?

Well, not that I haven't given it any thought. I would like to settle on - accept defeat in the match (honorably), learn from your mistakes, prepare for the next encounter, and then face the challenge forgetting the past failure as a discouraging fact, but remembering it as a lesson to ensure success (hopefully) this time.

Nice, sounds promising, seems acceptable. But, can it be applied to any part of life?

If it were a football match (Ref. Hungry Heart - Wild Striker, my all time favorite anime), yes, accept defeat, go back, practice, train, there is always a next tournament, where you can win.

But, if it was a life or death situation, or a one time opportunity, you can probably learn, but you won't have a second chance. So, no question of trying again.

What about the ones where there is no clear cut distinction between one trial and another? What if the same thing can be taken to be a next fresh attempt as well as a drag of the previous fall? How do you know, then, if you are being an optimistic never giving up spider or just a sore loser? Can you ever know? Is it an absolute? Or will it just be an opinion?

The Greatest Sin

No prizes for guessing - Chocolate Fantasy!

The soft chocolate cake, the molten chocolate on top (and sides and on the plate too) - yumm! Each bite is so delicious, so rich of chocolate that it leaves me craving for more even after licking (shamelessly) the last remains off the plate.

Ever since I've had access to this wonderful delicacy, I've been attracted to CCD and went there every single day with my hands outstretched and eyes rolling, zombie like, chanting "chocolate fantasy, chocolate fantasy".

But today, alas, I couldn't quench my thirst. And its too late now, to do anything. So, I dedicate this post to the one I couldn't eat today, promising I won't fail tomorrow.

Posted on:
Saturday, January 23rd, 2010; 11:00 P.M.