I wonder why..

Sometimes, it just does not work out. Try as hard as I may, I end up holding onto nothing. The inevitable last time, the final shutting of the door. It leaves me heart broken, shattered and helpless. I cry, eat a lot (and grow super fat), watch random series, shut myself in for days and mess up everything professionally. One fine day, I realize enough is enough. I gather my broken shards and try to get back my footing. Slowly, but steadily, I am back. Not to who I was before it all happened, but to a new me, incorporating all the new experiences. Time passes by... Emotions fade... All that is left is a  memory of what was.

I am in a different place, with a different person. He has moved on, and has found his happiness too. Why then do I still look back at what has been with a sense of regret. Why do I still think of ifs and could haves. I can still understand that feeling. It doesn't hinder me in any way. It is just a recollection of the fondness we once shared.

What I cannot justify is this strong urge to message him. This lingering feeling, which I want to clear up. It is sometimes to just ask "Why?" again. Or just to tell him "I am fine now". Sometimes, I want to scream at him, "How could you do this?". Then again, I just want to say "I really hope you are happy". Sometimes, I want to be able to talk to him like a good friend. Sometimes, I just want to know he is there at the other end of the line, doing whatever he is doing. Sometimes, I feel we need to talk, we need to clear up all the loose ends. We need to get a closure on what happened.

It changes nothing. More often than not, it just flares up old wounds. I am thinking about him, but he might not be thinking about me. I might be interrupting him. I might ruin one of his pleasant days. I might spoil an important exam of his. I do not know what he is doing or in which state he is in. I still want to tell him how I feel about something that happened years ago! Why does this urge not leave me? I suppress it for most part. But I don't know why, when I see him green on my google chat list, I want to ping. I want to say "Can I ask you a question?". This doesn't help either of us. But I still feel strongly about it. And I wonder why....