I can but I choose not to

Master your feelings. Don't let your feelings run wild. Be at peace with anything and everything. This is a nice philosophy, something I try to follow for a major part of my time [all you Yoda fans, yes, I know, "Do or do not, there is no try"].

This works fairly well for everyday ups and downs. Small issues with people around me. It is too hot, the child in the bus is wailing too loud, someone shoved past me in a hurry, a car splashed dirt on me, someone said mean things to me, my prof kept me waiting for an hour, my roommate wants me to clean, the list can go on. I don't let all these get to me. I just smile and let these go by. If I can help, I do, else I just ignore.

This also works well for circumstances. I want something, but I can't have it. Funny enough, the first thing that comes to my mind is Bevande denying me chocolate shake because they are out of ice-cream (always!). Life isn't fair. I need to deal with it. No point brooding over things I can't change. Let go, find something new, find peace and happiness within. Philosophy to the rescue!

There is a third scenario where I was mightily confused. I finally found my answer. I am not perfect. Nobody is. I sometimes make mistakes and hurt people around me, mostly unintentionally, but occasionally, when my anger gets the better of me (I need more mastery of my feelings). I can apologize (profusely), but I cannot undo what I have done, do what may. Following my philosophy, I can just ignore it and remain happy. But I feel sad and guilty. I want to right things, but I cannot, and thus feel helpless. It is not because I haven't mastered my feelings well enough. Sadness and guilt are not impulsive, they do not take you over like anger. Then why do I remain sad and guilty? It is to remember what I have done. It needs to remain in my memory, more than a day-to-day event, so I do not repeat it again. It is a lesson learnt that needs time to engrave itself into my mind. I am afraid that if I ignore it today and remain happy, the same circumstances might make me commit the same mistake again.

I know what you might say. Learn the lesson, let go of your guilt/sadness. We have learnt lesson after lesson, chapter after chapter since childhood. I barely remember what I learnt in compilers class 2 days ago. But I still remember what I did in my 9th standard to hurt a friend, and I'm pretty sure I will never do that again. Ever. Guilt might be a bad feeling at the moment, but it teaches me lessons I will never forget. I believe the stake of hurting a person is high, and I do not want to repeat the same mistake twice. I am guilty, not because I am incapable of letting it go, but because I choose to be so.